Coming to terms with your sexual orientation is always painful when you are alone.

When I was old enough to understand that I had same sex attraction feelings,  I hated myself for having such feelings in fact I did not wish to be possess with such what I felt was an infliction. The whole idea made me very depressed and some how I managed to cope alone. It was not easy looking back at my position it was a cruel fate. I’m not sure how I did manage because my life was turned up side down. I had so many questions and there was nobody I could talk to.

I did not choose to be gay but I have made the best of what I am,  I recall in my childhood days that I had a rather odd interest in guys. I was quite contented to play with dolls with friend who was a girl sort of tom boy figure allways mucked in with the boys very tough girl and we liked her. That was the extent of getting in touch with my femine side. Prefered Action Men to be honest.

I did fight against my sexuality throughout my teenage years having a regular play at the age of 13 to 14 with a local straight friend no kissing or romantic encounters just rubbing off on each. This was first introduction to sex play after this I knew that I wanted this. But there is aways a negative that creeps in and spoil things. I became interested in God and it was clear that religion was at odds against my sexual identity.  I think this is where I gained comfort from even if I was falling in love and having crushes at the same time at least I was kept out of mischief and harmsway. Mind you nothing ever happened. I was not brave enough to make the first move. The crushes I had were the reminder that being gay was not a phase I was going through it stuck at the bottom of my shoe like unwanted dog turd. I use to write down my fantasies mainly around youth camps I attended each year. Even got a girl friend who was never demanding. But to be honest it was her younger brother who was my real interest. Sad really having a crush on your girl friends brother.

You do have to take into consideration that I was keeping sex for someone special so the odd brief encounter would never happen. It was not until after my teenage years that I had my first lovable sexual experience with a guy the realtionship lasted a year. It was obvious a year before we met that I had stopped fighting against myself and accepted that I was gay and it was never going to go away. The  embarrising crushes came and went but I knew along my journey that my gay sexuality was more stronger than my mind could train. I did try looking for change but the methods were about messing with my head and to relearn things that were  against my nature or were morally wrong.

The main problem I have with these crack pot ideas of changing your sexuality is about learning. I did not learn that I prefer cock  or wanted it up my back passage no film or book taugh me what I wanted, The gay ideas came from within me. It’s only when we listen to others do we get confused with our sexuality, trying to please others rather please one self is the heart of the matter.

From saying I don’t want to be gay to I am happy and proud that I am gay did not come over night my journey took many years before I change my thinking.

Maybe I still would not want to be gay if things were less tolerant as they are today. But even today thousands still fear being in this situation and if they had some choice would prefer to fit in than be isolated.